Doulton of Transitions/Changes/Losses/Grief/Death
What does a transition doula do?
*Any endings, beginnings, transitions, changes, losses, happiness and sorrow, the end of life
*Adaptation to change
*Moving with the unpredictable pulse of life
A transition doula works in person and online. She works with individuals and families. She is, first and foremost, a meeting between two people, a conversation, a witnessing of the journey, and a space to experience the experience as it is needed here and now.
This could be a single targeted meeting or support over a period of time.
We are alive, similar in pulse, our rough, warm, so different and so similar touches of the soul to each other, my Human, met in the Human Other.
What the meeting might be about
*This is about grieving and experiencing raw experiences, not necessarily related to death.
*This is about breaking up with someone who hurts you.
*This is about relationships where the depth of contact is not at the level that your organic nature requires
*This is about the death or illness of a loved one
*This is about situations when a loved one dies, but the contact never deepened.
*This is about the sudden death of a loved one, about an unprocessed difficult experience
*This is about your psychological death, every day in contact with someone where you were not seen, could not stand, systematically demanded to decrease
*This is about our physical finitude, mortality and the end of this life.
*This is about breakups, moves, changes, when things go wrong, when dreams are shattered, about losses
*This is about death in all its physical and metaphysical manifestations, about the fear of death and the question... "how do I want to die?" - No, to live.
Trust in the unknown
I've learned to say "I don't know" and simultaneously remain engaged in what's happening, in the moment. Death, birth, and relationships between people are the greatest unknowns. And trust greatly increases engagement and the ability to flow while maintaining one's state.
The photo is taken from Iamamiwhoami's music video "Chasing Kites"
Personal history
As soon as I signed up for the death doula course, I learned my dad was ill. He died a year later, and I was with him as much as he allowed, persistently and involved, that entire year. Did I understand anything about death after my dad's death? No. I still have never died; I am still on this side with those who share a similar pulse.
But I learned something about inclusion. And also about a person's right not to be included, about the right to "not be able." And at the same time, to remain included.
The depth of another person's involvement does not determine the depth of my involvement. It is my choice.
Free will and letting go of control
I realized that even our micro-solutions are divided into two types:
*to the crossroads where we have the right to choose, and how important it is to maintain our agency there, even in the face of death. This is about the realization of free will.
*about the rabbit holes we "fall" into, like Alice. Where things don't depend on us, but how we find ourselves in this fall, how much trust we develop in the process of falling, in ourselves, in our connection with ourselves and others, influences how we fall and which shore we emerge on. It's about losing control and trusting in the unknown.
Both are important for a person in general, and especially during transition. Both can be carefully explored in sessions with a transition/grief/death doula.
A little fairy tale in life
Transition/grief/death doulaship is the philosophy and practice of non-medical support for people through transitions. Similar to a birth doula, the metaphor of "transition" connects this movement to mythology and storytelling. In culture, transition doulas are psychopomps (guides of souls). One famous psychopomp was the goddess Hecate. Her functions are the prototype for transition/grief/death doulas:
Patroness of crossroads and liminality
A guide in the darkness of crisis
Protector of the vulnerable
Hecate's four main artifacts—the key, the torch, the dagger, and the whip—are more than just symbols of power. In the context of the dæmonition of death and the psychology of transitions, each one is a highly precise tool for working with crisis, loss, and transformation.
Metaphorically, they describe the full cycle of how a person leaves the old and moves into a new quality.
*Key: Opens access to the unconscious, to repressed fears. It is the ability to open up taboo topics; it is a psychological tool that opens the space for honest conversation, legitimizes the right to grieve, and allows one to peer beyond the veil of fear. It also opens the door to the wisdom of one's ancestors.
*Torch: opens up vision where there is complete chaos and uncertainty. When the familiar world collapses, a person feels blinded and disoriented. It is a metaphor for a caring presence. A transition doula cannot "fix" death or undo grief. But she holds a torch—a metaphorical light of awareness, calm, and support—helping the dying or grieving person avoid being driven mad by the horror of the unknown and navigate safely through the dark night of the soul.
*Knife/dagger: this is a ritual instrument. It is not used for killing, but for performing sacraments. The dagger opens freedom through cutting. Transition requires purification. For the new to be born, one must free oneself from what is foreign and outlived. This can be, for example, the process of completing tasks and releasing grudges. Hecate's knife helps draw a clear line between what must be left behind in a "past life" and what one is ready to move on with (or depart into eternity).
*Whip: Associated with punishment, but in Hecate's mystical context, it symbolizes spiritual discipline, direction, and control over wild forces (her wolves and ghosts). In transition, the whip reveals inner strength and boundaries. It is a metaphor for structure and grounding. Transitions and grief can be chaotic and stormy. Hecate's whip symbolizes the doula's (or the person's) ability to maintain focus on the essential and channel the raging energy of suffering into creative transformation (for example, through farewell rituals).
